So, here we go!
This quote sums up a lot of what has been weighing on my mind lately. I feel sooooo inadequate all the time it's not even funny. I feel like I am at the bottom of the loser totem pole and can't seem to do anything right. I'm just a huge mess! It's like..oh, how do I say this...it's like there are all these areas of my life that I have to keep track of- wife, mother, homemaker, friend, etc, etc- and I can't do it! I am emotionally exhausted. I can barely bring myself to do anything. I only get out of bed because I have to. It's like I'm SO far behind that I feel like trying to catch up is fruitless. I know that not doing anything will only get me farther behind, but my brain just says, "Meh." to everything.
I have a good life. I know I do. I have been blessed SO much, and have SO many things to be grateful for. But, I just feel like there's this picture of my life that other people see, and it looks like everything is awesome, but I don't feel awesome. I have three great kids, a loving husband who puts up with way more crap from me than he should have to, great friends...the list could go on and on. But yet, I feel so disconnected from it.
AND, the thought that someone looking in would think I'm perfect because of the way my life looks make me feel sick to my stomach. I hate the thought that someone would ever compare themselves to me and think I have it all together, because I am one piece of straw away from breaking that poor camel's back! I would want to grab that person by the shoulders, shake them, and say, "No! It's not like that at all! You have NO idea how screwed up I am!"
This quote talks about comparing ourselves to others, which is definitely a problem. But, I think my biggest problem is comparing myself to ME. And, I don't mean "me", as in my current self. I mean "me" as in the "me" I think I should and could be if only I was better at being me. Does that even make any sense? It's like I have a picture in my mind of how I should be at this point in my life, and how I could be if I would just grow up and make better choices, manage my time better, etc. But, because I am weak and lame I don't, so I'm not. How can you compete with the vision of what you could be?
Am I the only one who has ever felt this way, or do other people feel like that? I think I'm losing my mind! Does any of this make any sense at all?
Thanks for "listening" to my trip to Crazytown. Don't worry...next week's Thoughtful Thursday will be a lighter fare! I've just had a lot on my mind lately, and I feel like I will burst at the seams if I don't let it out!
Um hello, you need to come down right now and talk because you have just described me to a T. I could have written this word for word. I'm serious we need to discuss.
ReplyDeleteYes, I will...after I clean the house. ;)
DeleteI feel the same way sometimes! It's especially hard when you are comparing yourself to the person you think you "ought" to be. I think women have a tendency to place way too high expectations on ourselves, and feel guilty when we can't live up to it. So I totally get where you're coming from. :)
ReplyDeleteThe guilt! Ah, the guilt! That's the worst!
DeleteI know what you're feeling mama! You're definitely not alone. The past few days I've also been struggling with feeling like I'm inadequate in areas of my life...especially as a mother. And the whole blogging thing...I always compare myself to other mommy bloggers and thing, "how do they run a super amazing blog with tons of followers AND run a household and family?" It blows my mind, because I feel like I'm struggling to keep up with the blog and sometimes neglecting my daughter while I do that. I just wrote a post today about this {http://nuggetonabudget.blogspot.com/2012/10/what-if-theres-bigger-picture.html}...and feeling like I should be doing more where my blog is concerned to help others and not just to gain those followers.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this! xo
For sure! That's one reason I'm starting "Thoughtful Thursday". It's a simpler post, and it's more "me" and not "check-out-this-super-awesome-project-slash-recipe". :) I will have to check out your post!
DeleteLet me be the 3rd person in line to say....um, yeah, I feel like that everyday!!! Every word could have and has come out of my mouth. I had a crying meltdown on the phone to my husband just this morning! See? We're all the same. No worries. You're definitely in crazytown...but the rest of us are too so we'll just all be neighbors! :)
ReplyDeleteNeighbors! Sounds like a plan! We'll invest in Kleenex to pay our mortgages. ;)
DeleteMost effeminately I am my biggest critic. I have high expectations for myself, then when I don't meet them I beat myself up about it. So hard not to do.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is hard not to beat yourself up. And, the things we say to ourselves are crazy! You'd never walk up to someone and say, "You suck at being a person.", ya know?!
DeleteHi Jilly - Sorry you are feeling so stressed out by these thoughts. I often feel the same way, and even wrote a bit about it on my blog recently - http://calmhealthysexy.com/live-calmer-dont-be-so-hard-on-yourself/ I'm not sure why women tend to be so hard on themselves, comparing themselves to others or to the dreaded "woman I should be!" Yikes, it's crazy. I think that we really have to train/discipline ourselves to decide on what we want for ourselves and our families, determine the steps that will help us achieve those things, and then start taking one step at a time in that direction, without looking off to either side ("Oh, look what she's doing." "Why can't I be like her?" "Oh, I should be doing this, this and this.") Sometimes the goals will change and we'll need to decide on different steps, but basically I think that we just need to decide what we want and move forward with it - with minimal negative self-talk!
ReplyDeleteI like how you said, "taking one step at a time WITHOUT looking off to either side." I think that's a big part of it. It's easy to say, "Well, sure I'm doing x right now, but what about y & z that I'm not?!" Thanks for the comment! I will have to check out your post!
DeleteYes, yes and yes. I have many moments like this and I have been working hard to get out of my own way. I talk about my feelings to my husband, my mom and friends. It is nice to be able to say how I feel. I have just started this week writing a schedule that is not overwhelming to me, doing things in small increments. If you want to chat you let me know and thank you for this honest post.
ReplyDeleteI think that your idea of doing things in small increments is key. Sometimes we think that we have to do everything/make every change at once, and then it's so overwhelming that we do nothing!
DeleteI don't mean to be the one to bust out the "tool box", but do you know anything about Seasonal Affective Disorder? The only reason I say that is because people who move here where I live, especially from more sunny places like Arizona and Utah, tend to get it a lot. It is really cloudy here, and SAD tends to pops up around this time of year. I don't know what the weather is like where you are compared to here (I'm betting it is pretty similar), and also how long you have been feeling this way, but there could be some correlation. Sorry you are having such a hard time lately. You are great, no matter what!
ReplyDeleteHmmm, that's totally possible. I hadn't thought of that. It is super cloudy and rainy here, especially compared to Arizona. They say it rains as much here as it does in Seattle! Maybe I should look into that! Thanks, Ang!
DeleteNo you are, without a doubt, not alone in your feelings. I am a bit too hard on myself and tend to focus on the one thing I did wrong in a day, rather than all the other things that went right; making me always feel like a failure.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I read years ago that might help is to keep a little notepad next to your bed. Every night, before you go to sleep write down one thing that you did right today, or that you did to be proud of. When you are used to writing just one thing, make it two, then three. It serves as a little positive reinforcement to your inner voice. If you get used to thinking good things about your self at the end of the day, you will find that you slowly start doing it all day long.
Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts today!
Holly
http://notdonegrowing.blogspot.com/
Ooh! I like that idea! Thanks for the tip and for your sweet comment!
DeleteAs a recovering first born, I never remember to celebrate my successes and accomplishments. I steamroll ahead to the next goal. Thanks for the reminder! Are you going to do a link up with thoughtful thursday? I do thankful thursdays but that seems similar enough to me. :) Esther Norine Designs
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you're in a rough spot, and I'm not sure what to say, just wanted to say something to let you know I'm sending happy thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. It seems the longer my to do list, the less motivated I am to even do 1 thing on that list. I like this quote. I think we all have things we hide from others, but on the outside others think that we have a great life. We all struggle, just some are better than others at hiding it. Keep your chin up Jilly. Things will get better :)
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