Peace Out

Hi! It's Jilly. I feel like I've been going crazy lately! I don't know what the deal is. I feel insane. I'm just not...peaceful. Like, there's all this turmoil inside of me and there's just no peace. I'll have a little shred of peace here and there, but as a whole...nope. Nopey nope.

I've started meeting some friends to run early in the morning three days a week. (Getting up early is huge for me, 'cause I am a major night owl.) It's been so nice to breathe in the fresh morning air and get some exercise. I'll even start to feel a little peace. BUT, then I have to get a text from one of the kids. "Mom, what can I eat for breakfast?" "Can I play the Wii?" "My hands hurt. Where is the lotion?" ARGH! I just want to scream! It's, like, can I *please* just have two seconds that I'm not being bombarded with requests?! Can I enjoy my little slice of peace without having to *stop* running and answer asinine questions that I've already answered a billion times?! One daugher has even asked if she can come with me in the mornings. I don't want to be mean, but in my head I'm, like, "HECK to the NO! I want to go BY MYSELF without having to worry about kids!!"

That's just one little example. I feel like there are soooo many things standing in my way, like I'm over here, and Peace is over there, and there's this huge wall up in between us.

The Wall is made up of lots of different things:

The Story of My Triplet Pregnancy: Part 2

Hi! It's Jilly. Last week I left you hanging while telling the story of my triplet pregnancy. So, today I'm going to continue the story!

I was between 26 and 28 weeks, and I had started contracting a lot harder and more frequently. My doctor came in to check on me and found that I was 100% effaced and dilated to a 3. He said the babies would be coming "today or tomorrow". It was a Sunday morning, so my husband rushed to church and talked with our Bishop. The Bishop asked what he could do to help. He decided to start a ward fast during sacrament meeting. (A ward is a congregation. A ward fast is when you ask the whole congregation to fast and pray on behalf of someone.) We also had people fasting and praying in my parent's ward, my husband's parent's ward, our old single's ward, and my great aunt's ward. (A single's ward is a congregation just for single people 18-30 years old. They are usually near colleges, so those members can have more of their specific needs met during that time in their lives. Hubby and I met in our single's ward.)

You're Doing Great!

Hi! It's Jilly. I am surrounded by friends and family near and far who are amazing people. People full of love, faith, and strength. People who do more good in this world than they realize. People whose goodness and talent far outweigh their faults.

Yet, many people, myself included, feel bad about themselves. They are riddled with guilt about the things they aren't accomplishing, the ways they need to improve, and perceive their faults as mountains compared to their molehills of goodness.

Find Joy

Hi! It's Jilly. For the last week or two I've been having a really hard time. I don't know what the deal is. I just feel sooooo aggravated and frustrated with everything! I'm been feeling really down and burnt out, too. *sigh*

I've had many thoughts swirling around in my head. When I'm feeling aggravated, everything drives me insane. One little thing will happen and I will just completely lose it! Then, I feel guilty for yelling, but at the same time I'm so mad I don't even care. Then, I get depressed because I feel like I should be better than this.

When I'm depressed I feel completely incompetent, like I'm a failure in every area of my life. I feel like I'm not good enough and I will never be good enough. Then I see all these moms around me who are amazing mothers, whose houses are neat, and it just makes it worse. I have the oldest kids among my friends, yet they seem to have things figured out. What's my problem?! Why can't I get it together?! I've had more time to "practice". What's wrong with me?!

Don't even go on Facebook. Then you're hit with all these "my kids are the most precious thing on the planet and I'm completely head over heels in love with them" posts, and the "I've gotten so much done today and it's only 8 am" posts. GAG. It sounds terrible, but I'm just not feelin' it lately.

Maybe it's the fact that I have three eight year-olds who are almost constantly bickering with each other. "So-and-so won't stop making that noise. So-and-so BIT me. Why does so-and-so always get everything? Why don't we ever get to do anything fun? (Spoken less than 5 minutes after returning home from a super fun activity), I hate this place, I wish I had a different mother... "

Blah, blah, BLAH!! I can't take it anymore.

I mean, I love my kids, of course, but... ARGH!

I often compare having triplets with being thrown in the deep end of a pool without a life jacket. Everyone always says to me, "Oh, I can't imagine what it was like when they were babies! It must be so much easier now that their older!". To that I say... NOOOO!!



When they're babies and they cry there are usually 1 of 3 things wrong- hungry, tired, or dirty diaper. Add in the gas bubbles from time to time. Now it's much more complicated. It's harder to keep your patience and not get weighed down by the bad attitudes, drama, and emotional rollercoasters, not to mention staying on top of the housework and laundry and meals (I swear they are "starving" every hour) and homework and extra-curriculars and...need I go on?!

I've been pondering how I can feel better and have a better attitude. In church on Sunday one of the speakers said, "We find joy when we help others feel joy." I loved that! It reminded me of the quote by James M. Barrie, "Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

source

When you are depressed it is really hard to feel joy, and it's hard to help others to feel it, because you're not feeling it. But, I need to be more aware of my attitude and how it affects my children's attitudes. And, I need to pray for strength and peace.

Ohmygoodness...as I was typing this post I was listening to Pandora, and the song "Never Alone" by Hilary Weeks started playing. These lyrics jumped out and grabbed me!

Cause when the darkness comes 
I'm a prisoner to my fears
Although I'm listening the doubt is all I hear
Then I reach for your hand 
and feel you reaching back
And the light returns

Now I have tears rolling down my face. The Lord is truly aware of each one of us! That song couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Talk about a tender mercy! Although I don't always acknowledge it, I am grateful for God's hand in my life, and His love and care for me. I need to rely on Him more. That is how I will get through this trying phase of motherhood!!

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